Put a Donk on That
By Sam Gelfand
Alright, guyze. I know you’re used to calling me Sam, but that’s not my name anymore. Now my name is Count Donkula. You will address me as “Count Donkula,” “Donkula,” or “The Count” at all times. I will not respond to any other name.
In case you’re behind on the times, my new name is inspired by the sensation known as Donk. This type of music, now the only legitimate form of expression in my eyes, comes from England. The idea of the genre is simple: put a donk on it. The sensation became mainstream when Blackout Crew, from Bolton, describes the genre in their song, “Put a Donk On It.”
Yeah yeah, that is sick, I could definitely drop to that one
Bass line
Put a Donk on it
Electro
Put a Donk on it
Techno
Put a Donk on it
Hey that’s good, that, Tony
Sick!
I think that clears up what a Donk is. A Donk is what you put on something to make it sick. Now, for those of you who are behind (culturally), I will provide you with the definition of Donk from Urban Dictionary: “to improve or complete something using the minimum amount of effort.” Or, in layman’s terms: “to add a repeating ‘donk’, or ‘clunk’ sound (onomatopoeic) to a piece of music when writing or remixing it.” But for all intents and purposes, the former definition is clearly the correct one.
As Count Donkula, it is my mission to add Donk to anything and everything that is not fully sick. So let’s start with the simple things. Stoplights. I hate them. I always have to wait forever before it’s my turn to go. Stoplights? Put a Donk on it.
Weight gain. Put a Donk on it. The new season of Entourage? Put a Donk on it. Kanye West? Needs a Donk.
Now let’s go to some more abstract concepts. Ennui? Put a Donk on it. Relationship trouble? Just put a Donk on it. Cancer? Put a Donk on that.
Now, if you’ll allow Donkula to be serious for a moment, I think there is something very odd about this phenomenon. We’re talking about a genre of music that is defined by the presence of a Donk. We used to define genres in a much more broad sense – classic rock, alternative, hip hop… what’s wrong with that? Do we really need Donk?
If you’re an artist, and you feel that everything you do must be built around the presence of a repetitive, bass-heavy noise, doesn’t that limit you? Doesn’t the whole concept sound absurd?
And let’s look behind the Donk in Blackout Crew’s video. The rapping is terrible, the production is laughable, and the structure is thrown together. At one point, the song breaks down into a mock-folk interlude. In the music video, the actor pretends to play guitar. This is a group of musicians who have thousands of dollars worth of production equipment, a whole crew of artists, and not one of them is capable of playing guitar? This is what we’ve been reduced to?
Man, I don’t think I can embrace this genre after all. I had a good run as Donkula, but it’s time to hang up my Donk.
But you can still call me Count Donkula if you want, because that name is awesome.