Winning With Charlie
By: Sam Gelfand
Sometimes when I’m driving, I get this amazing spiritual inspiration and an idea for a song just comes into my head, begging to come into existence. Then I really get into it, belting out the impromptu lyrics until I get to a red light or pass by a trucker. I’m very self conscious around truckers. But that “interstate inspiration,” as I call it, is a beautiful thing. It resulted in my epic song: “Gotta get an On-ion,” a masterpiece of modern music. That’s what art is all about: creativity, explosive energy, randomness. It’s a gift, really. But throughout the last week or two, I’ve noticed an individual who harnesses this gift like no other. He is not a musician, but what he has recently created is certainly music to my ears. He is Charlie Sheen, and he is definitely in the process of winning.
I was ready for the Gregory Brothers to do their magic. The Gregory Brothers (and sister) are the masterful team behind the “Bed Intruder” song, which actually found its way to number 89 on the Billboard Hot 100. But the story of how it got there is amazing. When the WAFF news team in Alabama posted a clip of Antoine Dodson threatening to track down a bed intruder, somebody recognized how funny it was and copied it to YouTube. From there, the video instantly went viral and the Gregory Brothers downloaded the clip, edited it, auto-tuned it, and re-uploaded it… less than 48 hours after the original clip was posted by the news crew in Alabama. Granted, their craft was honed in the process of turning the renowned “Double Rainbow” clip into an auto-tuned anthem. But that’s just more evidence that this is the number one auto-tune team on the internet and by far the best candidates to turn Charlie Sheen’s interview into an operatic masterpiece.
But in the days after February 28th, when Charlie Sheen declared he had “tiger blood” and was “bi-winning,” we heard nothing but silence. And it’s not like Sheen hadn’t shown signs of having the material in him to inspire an auto-tune sensation. In early February, following news reports that Sheen was in the process of getting sober, there was the “Song for Charlie Sheen” by Michael Kisur, a bizarrely heartfelt ballad asking “will you have to cross every line until we bury you?” Definitely not good enough to go viral. Not even funny. Might be serious. Just weird.
In all fairness, back on January 31st, 2010, Randy Ricks wrote a song and released a music video which is described as “a hilarious video spoofing Charlie Sheen and the 911 call recently made by his wife, Brooke Mueller.” It’s not hilarious, nor is it really a spoof. It’s a bluesy, harmonica-filled attempt at finding humor in Charlie Sheen’s failed attempts at sobriety. Well ahead of its time, but it’s pretty corny.
Here’s a different kind of attempt: An a capella song drawing inspiration from Sheen’s “winning” quote. This guy gets plenty of points for presentation. He recorded himself four times to create a barbershop-quartet composition that utilizes all of Charlie’s best material, including “droopy-eyed armless children” and “I have one speed, I have one gear: go.” As amazing as it is, it’s been up for five days and has yet to hit the 100,000 views mark (although it’s close). Yes, it’s very good. Yes, it’s very creative. Yes, it’s on iTunes. It’s just missing something you can’t quite put your finger on.
On March 2nd, the internet was blessed with the Charlie Sheen Bi-Winning Dubstep Remix. “Dying’s for fools,” Charlie says over a sub-low thumping beat that would make Diplo proud. Now we’re getting close to home. The dubstep remix touts two and a half million views a week after its initial upload. Impressive. But it’s not on iTunes. It is perhaps a success and an underground sensation, but not the definitive Sheen ballad.
Finally, on March 7th, the Gregory Brothers uploaded “Winning,” a song by Charlie Sheen. It’s beautiful. It has a soulful feel and then slowly builds up with one choice quotation after another, followed by a street-smart breakdown with a “winning” call and answer session. A chorus of voices rejoice – there is winning, epic winning, tiger blood, winning everywhere, and winners. I sink back into my chair and finally relax. I can breathe again. All is right. The only thing that angers me is how long we had to wait. It’s almost as if they paused and allowed the rest of the internet to attempt to create a masterpiece, knowing that only they had the power to arrange the words and notes in such a precise manner that no one or no thing could top it. Their perfection payed off – the video got a hundred thousand views in the time it took me to write this article.
It is rumored that Charlie Sheen is being paid ten thousand dollars per tweet. I would request that he directs a tweet to the Gregory Brothers, informing them of their superior song crafting, however late they may have arrived to the party. But, in all honesty, I don’t think Sheen needs to say anything. He knows it, they know it, I know it, we all know it… the Gregory Brothers won.
Now what?